Tuesday 16 February 2016

My Mental Health.

This is not going to be a super happy post, and I am sorry about that, but there are things that I need to get out there. Here is your warning now, I will be talking about depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. So if that makes you feel uncomfortable in anyway, please, feel free to skip this post. I want you to feel safe.

For the last little while, I've been struggling with my mental health. More so than usual, and in different ways. And the first big one is my weight. I'm not large, I know I'm not fat. So why do I feel like I am? Lately I've been forcing away panic, and anxiety just so I can eat regularly. I'm pretty much underweight now, but it's because my metabolism makes it hard for me to gain weight. But even so, I never want to eat any more.

Food used to give me a lot of joy, and excitement. I used to eat just as much as I love to cook. But now, I'll cook something, and not want to eat it. Or I'll be trying so hard to find the healthiest ingredients, and not be able to use anything else. Like instead of wanting to make like brownies, or biscotti or something like that, I'm obsessively looking at dessert alternatives.

Healthy eating is great and all, but not when wanting a cookie causes so much anxiety. I've exhibited anorexic habits in the past. But they had very little to do with my weight. Now, I'm scared I'll have those habits again, but it'll be because of my weight. I don't want to end up sick and dying. But for some reason, things are just not going well up in the old noggin.

And my depression has come back in a lot of difficult to deal with ways. There have been a lot of dark nights. For me, my depression results in insomnia. So lately I'll go to bed between midnight and two in the morning, and wake up at six or seven. This is not healthy. I should not be feeling like this. But I am, and I don't know why, and it's beginning to scare me.

I am really sorry if blog posts are off, or if you read my tumblr poetry and it's a little dark. I've been trying to keep up this persona of joy, and happiness, but it's a struggle right now. And the fact that it could be any number of things does not help at all. I don't know where to begin fixing my little head, and getting myself back to being happy. I love all of my readers, and I hope you are all having a wonderful day. If you ever want to talk to me, all of my contacts are on the side of my blog, and drop by any time. You are all welcome in my little fairy kingdom. Hope your day has been wonderful.

2 comments:

  1. Sounds like things are tough for you right now. I've been in places like that myself, and all I can say is, hang in there, it'll get better.
    It feels safer to just show a happy face even if you don't feel it right now, but it's better for your mental health if you show the real you (IMO anyway), and you can help other people out there too. I've been trying to do that with my blog a little bit, and it's scary, but important.
    xx Katie.

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  2. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to come back and visit your blog, life has been hectic, and I am so sorry to hear you've been struggling. I am sending you big internet hugs right now! I have suffered with depression and anxiety myself so I know all too well those peaks and troughs and the struggles that come with it. I always recommend taking some time away to focus on you and being kinder to yourself. It may not feel like it at the time, but you will feel happy again, but don't feel bad if it takes a little while either. Really hoping you're feeling somewhat better now <3 - Tasha

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